his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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