i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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