saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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