Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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