there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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