Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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