So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
