watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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