I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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