Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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