I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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