last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
