a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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