Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
