I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
