i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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