& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
