Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
