I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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