respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
