They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Are we still banned from the library?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
