bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
