I didn't shave. On purpose
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
