You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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