The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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