i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
