Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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