Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
