"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
