i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
