winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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