His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
