Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
