Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
