Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
