I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
3pm strippers are depressing
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
