In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
