p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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