I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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