i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
