After last night, I could never be a politician.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
