So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
