its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
