hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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