So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
