Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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