How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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