i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
time to smoke my breakfast
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
