How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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