new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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