Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
