Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
