last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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