at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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