i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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