you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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