I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
