is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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